


i am not okay (but i will be)

by shinenct



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Established Relationship, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Suicide Attempt, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT), Taeyong is only mentioned, donghyuck needs hugs, kind of a rant fic, mark is really sweet and caring, markhyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24165202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinenct/pseuds/shinenct
Summary: donghyuck is tired and just wants to end it allmark just wants to save his world
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 4
Kudos: 87





	i am not okay (but i will be)

  
mark had finally finished his private schedule and had just reached their dorms. it was around 1am in the morning thus he was surprised to see taeyong still awake.

"oh taeyong-hyung you're still awake?"

"ah yea i was writing in my room" taeyong answered sheepishly

mark told taeyong to go sleep quickly as he made his way to his and his boyfriend, donghyyck's shared room. he was just outside when he got a phone call from donghyuck

"hyuck ah im outside dont need to call me" mark laughed as he talked towards the closed door expecting a laughter from donghyuck echoing from inside. 

but when he didn't hear anything, he got worried. he quickly opened the door only to find it completely empty. he looked at his ringing phone and answered it almost immediately.

"hyuck ah where are you? its late come back pl-"

"hyung, i cant do this anymore"

mark heard donghyuck speak. it sounded so lifeless, empty and dead. mark felt the chills go through his spine the moment he heard how heartbroken donghyuck sounded.

"w-what do you mean hyuck ah? where are you?"

"my safe place"

mark had no clue what safe place donghyuck was talking about. he was usually in his rooms and never went anywhere else.

taeyong just so happened to enter marks room to tell him to sleep. mark quickly asked "hyung, did you happen to see hyuck?"

"ahh hyuck told me he went to the rooftop to have a breather. why do you need him? i can call him for you-"

"no need hyung, uhm just needed to talk to him, ill go find him okay?" mark cut taeyong off as he grabbed his jacket and quickly made his way out of the dorm.

the moment he was out of the doorstep. he said into the phone that was still connected to donghyuck's. 

"don't do anything stupid hyuck ah im coming."

-

and with that he ran like his entire life depended on it to go save his sun donghyuck.

mark burst open the door of the rooftop and found donghyuck.

he sighed in relieved to see that donghyuck was fine but as he waled closer he froze.

donghyuck was sitting with his feet dangling off the building, with tears flowing down his face as his held on to his phone tightly.

"h-hyuck ah, are you okay? whats wrong?" mark asked warily trying to be careful not to trigger donghyuck's feelings right now.

"hyung, im tired" donghyuck's eyes looked so **empty**.

"then lets go back and cuddle until you sleep, just get off the e-edge please"

"hyung, you know what i mean by tired, i cant take it anymore, i want to sleep" donghyuck turned to look at mark with tears streaming down his face.

"hyuck ah, we can talk about it, this isn't the only option please hyuck ah get off the edge for me please?"

donghyuck saw the worry in marks face and slowly became hesitant of jumping off the building. he wanted to just go and run into mark's arms but the voice in his head was so loud

 _"one more step, and it will be all over, just one donghyuck ah you can do this_ "

donghyuck shook his head. "hyung, nothing is going to fix this just let me end this"

mark's tears had well overflowed and were trickling down his face as his started panicking.

"p-please hyuck ah, i-i need you, you cant do this, we will get through it together, just p-please come down"

donghyuck became really hesitant. he wanted this didnt he? but why was he so afraid now. 

donghyuck just cried harder as he buried himself into his knees after bringing up his legs.

mark saw this as an opportunity and quickly rushed to pull donghyuck down where it was safer and hugged him.

donghyuck melted into mark's touch, all the voices disappearing temporarily. he cried and cried and cried into mark's arms whispering sorry over and over again.

mark tried to be strong. he had to. especially when his boyfriend was so broken and crying in front of him. "its okay hyuck, you're okay, its okay"

after 30min, donghyuck had finally calmed down and stopped crying. mark decided that donghyuck looked too tired and decided to leave their "talk" for later.

mark re-entered their dorms with a sleeping donghyuck on his back. taeyong had not gone to sleep and sent mark a questioning look which mark quickly dismissed with a "ill tell you later"

mark settled donghyuck on his bed and stared at him while thinking, _"how did he not notice how much pain his boyfriend was in"_

mark placed a kiss on donghyucks forehead before heading back to his bed to sleep for the long day that was ahead of them.

when mark woke up, donghyuck was still fast asleep. thank god they both had no schedules that day so that they could have the talk that they needed to have.

mark decided that he should do something for donghyuck and went down to prepare breakfast for him.

-

donghyuck woke up sweating. he had a really bad dream where mark left him all by his own and he was abandoned by nct. he woke up and looked to his left. mark wasn't there.

donghyuck started panicking. did mark leave him? mark hates him for yesterday right? does nct know? do they hate him now? donghyuck was having a panic attack on his bed when mark came into the room to tell him that breakfast was ready 

the moment mark saw donghyuck shaking he ran towards his side immediately. "hyuck are you okay? im here dont need to worry"

donghyuck looked up and saw the person he had been waiting to see the entire morning. he immediately embraced mark and cried into his shoulder 

"i-i thought you left me" donghyuck choked between his sobs as he just managed to get those words out of his mouth.

"relax okay baby? i will never leave you. im always here. now breathe slowly okay?"

slowly, donghyuck finally calmed down.

"come on, i made breakfast"

mark interlocked their hands as he led then to the dining table. it was only the two of them as all the other nct 127 members had schedules to attend to.

they both quietly enjoyed their breakfast with an unknown tension between them. both of them knew that they had to talk about it but no one dared to open their mouths.

after a peaceful breakfast, they were back in their room. mark decided he couldnt wait any longer.

"h-hyuck ah, why did you do t-that yesterday?" mark asked as carefully as possible, careful not to hurt donghyuck.

"hyung, im really tired. i dont want to live anymore. i know that i have many things in the world. but i dont deserve them. i dont deserve nct, i dont deserve the fans heck i dont even deserve you hyung" donghyuck had tears brimmed in his eyes threatening to fall 

"dont ever say that lee donghyuck you mean the world to me and the rest of nct, the fans love you so much you are supposed to be here and nothing will change that" mark said with a stern look on his face.

"hyuck ah, can you tell me the whole story?"

"hyung ill just waste your time it will take really lo-"

"hyuck, nothing you do will ever be a waste of my time" mark cut donghyuck off.

mark could see donghyuck hesitating to tell him but after a few encouraging nods from mark, he finally started spilling.

_"it happened quite some time ago actually, im not that sure maybe 4 years? it was when we debuted in nct dream. i had already debuted in nct 127 and then there i was debuting again._

_i could feel all the trainees staring at me as if i didnt deserve the spot in nct 127 and dream. i dont know at first i just brushed it off but it just got worse. i even overheard a few of them openly talking behind my back._

_it hurt so much hyung. i worked as hard as any of them did but why was i getting treated this way._ donghyuck looked up his tears long overflowed.

_i started to doubt myself. my talent, my looks, my everything. every night i would ask myself "do i deserve to be here?" i see all the trainees come and go. honestly some of them are way better than me but they still left._

_i felt guilty, i didnt know what to do. it felt as if their departure was my fault you know._ donghyuck hit his chest as he cried and looked at mark straight in the eye.

 _but i couldnt let any of you guys know. so i faked my smile, my full sun attitude in front of all of you guys. the last thing i needed was for you guys to worry about me._ donghyuck still managed to give mark a faint smile.

_i mean it worked for most of the times. none of you guys can see through me only seeing the smile on my face. it was just a mask to hide everything. you guys never saw the pain that i hid under anyways._

_i cried at night everyday. i have trouble sleeping because the voices just keep me up at night. they remind me of how worthless i am, how many mistakes i made in the day, how i annoyed everyone so much. they told me that i shouldnt sleep because i didnt deserve it._

_i can barely sleep. maybe 2 hours? if im lucky or the voices are softer that day maybe 4 hours. but thats as much as it gets._ suddenly mark could see the dark eye circles that were under donghyuck's eyes. how did he miss this before?

_i tried to push them away, i really did hyung. but they just got louder and louder till the point where i am unable to just ignore them._

_i started having panic attacks before stages because i was scared that i would make a mistake on stage and that the fans would hate on me or call me a lazy dancer. thats why i always disappear 15 minutes before our stages._

_i dont have the visuals but neither do i have the dancing ability nor a singing ability. i honestly dont know why im here and it hurts to see how talented all of you guys are and im just a blackhole in the team. you won't ever know how much it hurts because you're the ace._ donghyuck hit his aching chest a couple of times.

 _some days were better, i could laugh freely and even joke with you guys. but that lingering emptiness i feel is still there. it never left. that dull ache of my heart. its little but it still hurts so much._ donghyuck suddenly had a smile smile on his face and that somehow scared mark.

 _i tried to take the pain away. i used many methods. i purged, starved, cut and so many other ways. it was just the physical pain that helped to take some of my mental pain away you know. but that was never enough._ mark's jaw dropped as he tried to stop his lingering eyes from looking at donghyuck's arms.

_today isn't the first time i wanted to suicide. i already lost track on the number of times i wanted to. but this time was just too much. i really cant do this anymore. im so tired of living in this world._

_i just want to go up and rest._

_the emptiness is still here. i dont think it will ever go away. the scars will still remain there too, to remind me of how disgusting i am. i dont know how much longer i will last. but i dont think its going to be long._

_hyung, help me please_

_im begging you "_ donghyuck grabbed marks hand.

mark was in a state of shock. how did he not realise how much pain his boyfriend had been in. suddenly all the memories came back to him. 

donghyuck stopped wearing short sleeves a few months ago. no matter how hot the weather, he insisted on wearing long sleeves. so this was the reason why. donghyuck only smiled when needed to and stopped making unnecessary jokes or annoy the members anymore. he was also quiet when he thought no one noticed. mark remembered the distant sounds of someone exiting the room at 2am in the morning.

_**how did mark fail to pick up these signs.** _

"h-hyuck up, hyung is so sorry. i should have done better"

"hyung, you dont need to be sorry, i was the one that hid it i never wanted you to find out its okay hyung"

_"hyuck ah, you are the talented maknae of nct 127 and the cute hyper hyung in dream that never fails to cheer anyone up. you are an excellent dancer whose moves are so graceful and powerful at the same time. you have an excellent vocal that is so unique yet beautiful at the same time. you have a beautiful and bright personality, always wanting to be here for others and helping all of us in difficult times. you, hyuck ah, are special, not just to me but to everyone in nct, all the fans out there. so never ever doubt yourself okay? you are really the best person i have ever met and i could never ask for more."_

donghyuck was so touched by marks words he hugged mark tightly and placed kisses around his neck and cheek.

"mark hyung..."

mark had tears dripping down his face but he wiped them and continued. _" so hyuck ah, dont keep all these things to yourself. we are all here for each other. whenever you feel worthless, tired or done with everything, come to me please. whenever you want to end everything or hurt yourself come to me please. even if im not here, at least call me, text me, or go to one of the hyungs or dreamies. just do not stay silent okay? promise me hyuck ah"_

mark looked into donghyucks eyes with a look of desperation as he grasped his hands tightly. 

donghyuck looked at their interlocked hands and looked up again to face mark.

"okay hyung, i promise" he gave a small smile to mark.

mark embraced him whispering soft words of encouragement. 

"it will be hard, but we are here for you, we will get through it together hyuck"

donghyuck and mark cuddled until they fell asleep once again.

as donghyuck closed his eyes, he thought:

_at this point in time he was not okay._

_**but he knew that one day he would be okay.** _

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is just kind of what i feel and things have been getting too much lately so i wrote my feelings out. hope you guys enjoyed


End file.
